This article brings serious discussion about marriage of single Muslim women in America in general and Muslim women in their forties and fifties in particular. There are not enough Muslim men out there, and interfaith marriage is one of the few viable options to them. Most American Muslim Women rule out the idea of marrying someone from their home country as it does not work out culturally nor do they have patience for arranged marriages. They want to get to know the guy before marrying and that is not easy. Today, nearly 40% of Muslim women marry outside of their faith and most of them without conversion.
Researching the matrimonial sites, out of 1000 Muslim women, only 30% of them over the age of 50 have listed Islam as their religion, the rest have listed themselves as spiritual but not religious, and the add “religion is no bar.”
There is nothing you can do, it is not your life and you don’t have solutions either. A majority of Muslims quietly go along with it, some have a lot of questions and some are ready to quote verses from Quran and make declarations that they are out of the pale of Islam. By the way, this is not a Muslim problem exclusively; it is a problem in all faiths, again it is not the faith, but the whims of the guardians of faith.
This piece is not for binary Muslims who are robotic and parroting Halal and Haram on an auto pilot, i.e., Black or White, zero and one, they don’t realize that life is full of colors and digits.
This piece is for those Muslims who understand the essence of Islam which is to create cohesive societies. It is for those who understand God’s signs. He has created the earth and the heavens, planets and the systems and programmed them to function cohesively. To understand cohesion, let’s start with our own bodies. We are composed of billions of unique cells but most certainly we can see that our bodies have several different organs, and all of them have to work together for us to live a normal life. We are one planet, one earth and one system of creation and through one cause.That is one God.
If your answer is an emphatic no to a Muslim woman marrying a non-Muslim, then please don’t read this article. It is not for you.
But, if you are struggling with the idea of pursuing a relationship with a man, who is not a Muslim, but you like him and want to spend your life with him and are tempted to be Bibi Khadija, then it is worth reading the entire 6000 words piece with most possible questions and answers and references. Finding the truth is your own responsibility, and in Islam, no one is responsible for your actions but you, and no one bears the burden of others. It is your decision and you have to live with it, so think through it.
The answer to the question has always been an emphatic NO. Guarding the flock is a human trait and no tradition wants to lose a member of their tradition to the other, whether you are a Hindu, Christian, Sikh or a Jew, Republican, Democrat, Libertarian or new, indeed, any tradition for that matter. Muslims are no exception either and there is no need to beat up on Islam for your deficiency in comprehension.
This paper explores on possible causes for the Yes or No response, and what happens if that cause is not there anymore. The main source of Islamic knowledge is Quran and Hadiths that are authentic and reflect the personality of the prophet; a mercy to mankind.
Quran does not expressly forbid Muslim women marrying non-Muslim men and neither prophet has expressly forbidden it. Read the verses again particularly the oft quoted verses 60:10 and 2:221. There is an advisement to marry with whom you are compatible, and whom you can live in harmony with. It is a relational guidance that a believing bondsman is better than a non-believing man and vice-versa for men. The comparison is for one to understand that the social status is not important, but harmony is.
Marriage is all about harmony – God wants his creation to live in harmony. You don’t want to live with someone with conflicts throughout the day. If you find a spouse who can live with you in harmony despite religion, race or region, than that ‘advisement’ or the condition is not applicable anymore. After all, God is the one who puts love between two souls and it the couple who has to live their lives.
In verse 60:10 disbelievers were those individuals who prevented the believers to practice their faith; there was an element of hostility between them. But today, most people of faith are believers in God in one fashion or the other. But those who do not believe in God will have difficulty to live with those who do believe, and it is not advisable to marry them. I have officiated weddings between an Atheist and a faithful, it is about harmony and not the belief. If they can live in Harmony, God will not come in between their love, it is him or his system that made each other want to come together. It is about compatibility and harmony and not religion or other case.
One of the most beautiful couplets to express this ‘love’, ‘attraction’ between two people was expressed by an Indian poet Ghalib some 150 years ago. He says,
Ishq a o aatish hai Ghalib, ke lagaye na lage, bujhaye no bujhe.
Love is such a flame Ghalib that you can cause it nor can you put it off, it just happens.
The questions are endless, but the answer is a powerful one, and that is accountability. In the traditional societies parents rightfully felt responsible to guard the happiness of their offspring, where as parents in North America are learning to believe that their kids are independent and know what they want in their lives, and will find their own happiness. Ultimately they have to live their own lives and you cannot babysit them forever. American Muslim parents trust their kids to do the right thing and let them run their own lives. Please note that this comparison is made with Muslims living elsewhere in the world.
There is one segment of single Muslim women that is reaching an enormous percent of all the single women. These women are in their late 40’s and 50’s, and are divorced or widowed and certainly not looking for a provider, nor do they entertain having children – the traditional marriage items. They are simply looking to have a friend and a companion in their marriages and live their own lives. God wants nothing more for his creation than harmony and happiness.
No woman should be denied her right to life, liberty and happiness. No one can push an American Muslim woman to marry anyone other than whom she wants. By marrying someone she can be happy with, her faith remains strong, if not she would a Muslim in name.
Some of us may not want to acknowledge it, but the 2nd and 3rd generation American Muslims will have their own Islam that differs from others in other lands. However the American practice of Islam would be closer to the one Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) practiced; a religion committed to building cohesive societies and caring for fellow humans and environment, in essence Islam tells you to mind your own business as you do on the Day of Judgment.
Indeed, we all have the same Islam and there is no doubt about it. However, our cultures are different, the culture of Nahadatul Ulema, Doebandis, Naqshbandis, Sufis, Sunnis, Shias, Ahmadiyya, Ismailis, WD Deen Muhammad, Bohri’s, Nation of Islam, Alawites, Wahhabis and others vary in practices from region to region. Even our rules are divided into six different schools of thought. The Islam practiced by Baghdadi is not the same as the one practiced by any American Muslim. All of them are Muslims in their own right and none of us have the right or permission from God to belittle or denigrate the other.
If God would have said no to a Muslim woman marrying a non-Muslim man, it would have been said in the Quran, there is not even an inference. God does not make mistakes; instead he empowers us to figure out our own equilibrium.
This essay is merely an expression of what many American Muslims are thinking but are afraid to express. I am pleased to present some thoughts to reflect on; ultimately the decision to marry rests in the hearts and minds of the individuals marrying. It is their life and it is God who puts love in their hearts for each other.
God bless the Interfaith and Interracial Couples! Despite their religious, racial or cultural differences, they are setting the new standards of civility by showing the world how to live in harmony. Isn’t that is what God wants? We have to cherish and honor the couples who embrace genuine humanity by accepting each other’s uniquenesses.
When people are showing extreme intolerance towards each other, the interfaith and interracial couples are showing the way to live in harmony and are contributing to the idea of one nation. They are indeed exemplary patriotic Americans.
If we can learn to respect the otherness of other and accept the God-given uniqueness of each one of the seven billion of us, then conflicts fade and solutions emerge.
The sole intent of this essay is to understand the struggle of “Single American Muslim women” and keeping them from living with frustrations of culture and their wants and needs. We have expand our fold be reflective of God’s boundlessness and extending Prophet Muhammad’s mercy to the entire universe. After all, God says, he created all of us from one single couple, thus we are all one family and should not have any barriers between us.
Here is another article written by Dr. Asma Lamrabelt, Muslim Scholor in Morocco, I was pleased to read as she also has a similar but a layered take.
Mike Ghouse
